


Past Regrets and Present Mistakes

by eyeless_soul



Category: Robert Downey Jr/John Sayles
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 19:21:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/613356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeless_soul/pseuds/eyeless_soul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert Downey Jr is stuck in his own head. Jude stumbles in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past Regrets and Present Mistakes

Things are never as easy as they are supposed to be. That is something that Robert learned a long time ago. That was to say that he knew from the first minute that John Sayles walked up to him, introduced himself and made a point of putting his hand on the small of Robert’s back, making some comment about how he would go far in this industry, he knew (or at least now, that the older and wiser version of Robert was in a reflective mood, he thought that he should have known) that he was playing a very dangerous game, with men that were a lot older, and more experienced then he was and that he was in over his head and that he was going to lose. But even then, the younger version of him knew that there was no easy way out, he would have to play their game and it would have to be by their rules. 

As Robert sat in his rented hotel room, he reflected. Back in 1983, he had only been 18 years old. He had left home, much to his parents’ warnings about being too young and too naïve about the ways of the world, and he thought that he had known everything. When he was 18, and this director had made that comment, he had seen a look in the older man’s eyes. It was a look that he had never seen before, maybe it was lust, maybe it was adoration; he was certain that it was part loss and part love. Robert’s own relationship with his father was failing (he was the disappointment, the one that would never amount to anything) and so he had been grateful that this older man, this pseudo-father figure was taking an interest in him. At that time he had told himself that it was just harmless attention. He wasn’t so stupid, he knew that it wasn’t, but he also needed the job (as little pay as it was) so he pretended that it was harmless attention. He already knew that he would do anything that this man asked him to do. The bad part about that was that John knew that too.

Forty-seven year old Robert was bitter. He was bitter with the world, the people he worked with and the whole Hollywood situation. He knew that he was in the predicament that he was in because of the choices that he had made. There was more than enough evidence to support that, one failed marriage and a son that he barely spoke to, another marriage that was on the rocks and baby that he was sure was going to grow up to hate him. And all because of the choices that he had made. His own lack if intelligence astounded him sometimes. Despite that mini epiphany, that didn’t stop him from sitting in a hotel room in Los Angeles (being at home was too risky, his wife was there, his son was there and people who wanted to find him were probably there as well), a needle, prepped and ready to be stuck in his vein at any moment. And why? Because right now, all he wanted to do was get high and forget. But his brain wouldn’t let him; all it wanted to do was remember. So, he closed his eyes, ignored the tears that were making their way down his face and remembered.

*Flashback*

John was seated across the table from him. They were in the common area of some lounge where a party was going on that Robert had been invited to. He had a sense that it was probably a bit seedy seeing as he was the youngest one there but in the beginning all that meant was that he got a lot of attention. But as the night progressed and people had started to leave, Robert realized that John had started sitting closer and closer to him, until he was practically right beside him. He was gently playing with the hair at the nape of Robert’s neck. Normally Robert wouldn’t have been so open to being touched (physical affection had never been his thing) but at that particular moment in time, there was Whisky in his veins making him feel all warm inside, and the slow, gentle, warm touch was making him sleepy which was more than welcome.

It was because of the sleepy state that he was in, that he had failed to realize when everyone but the workers in the lounge had left, he failed to notice that it was getting late and if he didn’t hurry he was going to miss his last bus home. He only noticed any of that when it was too late and he was searching his coat pockets trying to see if he could scrounge up enough change to get a cab. 

John watched in amusement as the kid swore under his breath, his hair getting into his face as he tried to get his sleep-addled brain to focus on the task. Eventually he had just given up and sat on the floor beside the chair that he had been sitting in. John watched with alarm as the kid’s face went blank, he seemed to stare at nothing and then the first tear made its way down his face. He had never seen anyone cry so easily and so silently. He slid down from his seat and knelt in front of the distraught teenager. “Robert, it’ll be okay. You can spend the night with me and then go home in the morning. You don’t need to get upset.”

Robert looked up, brown eyes watery; looking every bit the child he was. “Are you sure? I guess I could…walk…home.” But even as the words left his lips he knew that he would be going home with John. The look that he had first seen in John’s eyes were back, it made Robert feel uncomfortable but he knew that at this point going home with the older man was the only option that he had.

*End Flashback*

Robert, the present version of Robert knew that there was more to that memory then he had just shared with himself. But there was a knocking on his hotel room door that brought him back to the present day and all of the atrocities that it encompassed. He placed the needle that he didn’t remember picking up, carefully inside the nightstand drawer. If it was house keeping the last thing he needed was for them to see it and then call the police. He had been trying to clean up his act; he was not going back to prison…no way.

He ran a hand through his hair, knowing that he probably looked like a mess and opened the door. He had figured it would have been his wife, or even his older son Indio. The last person that he had expected to find at his hotel room door at 1 in the morning was Jude Law.

Jude looked worse than he did and until he had opened that door he hadn’t thought that was possible. He looked like he hadn’t slept, his clothes were rumpled and there were thunderclouds in his eyes. “Jude?”

“Where the hell have you been?” His voice, which was usually warm and patient, definitely that of a parent; was now angry and bitter, usually the voice that his current and ex-wives took with him when he was acting stupid or doing something that was immature. Jude’s face softened when he noticed the tear tracks that were on the older man’s face. “Don’t cry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so rude. It’s just that I have been up all night looking for you. When you didn’t show up for work yesterday and you didn’t call Guy called your house. Your wife told him that you hadn’t been home and no one had seen you since the day before that. He was worried and I volunteered to go looking for you.” Jude covered his mouth, to stifle a yawn.

Now Robert had felt like such an ass. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you come in? You can take a nap.”

For a minute Jude just looked at Robert as if he was hiding something. The man was in bad shape and looked like he hadn’t slept or ate anything in awhile. He knew Robert, in the right situations he could be very tactile but Jude could tell that he had been hurt in the past, there was something that happened that had changed him. Jude was hoping that one day he would let someone in; there was no point in suffering by himself. Jude also knew that the way that Robert had phrased things, this was his way of asking Jude to stay. For one reason or another he didn’t want to be alone. Jude nodded and allowed Robert to step aside so he could step inside.

***

Jude was sleeping on the bed, while Robert had moved himself to the couch. He had figured that if he put Jude in the bedroom, then he would be forced to sleep, seeing as his drugs were still safely tucked away in the bedside drawer. This meant that he couldn’t just leave to get high. He would have to face the shit in his brain, cry about it and then let it lie silent again. He took a deep breath, and lay down on the couch closing his eyes.

*Flashback* 

When John had first suggested to the young man that he stay the night with him, he thought for sure that the kid would say no. He was happy when the tears dried and he nodded. Then the kid tried to get his coat on, John chuckled as he helped him dress for the biting cold that awaited them outside. The car ride to the hotel was silent, John was secretly in his glory when the cute young man, leaned up against him. He was slightly surprised when that same young man felt comfortable enough to fall asleep. He hated to wake him up when the car stopped, but Robert was tall and there was no way that John would be able to carry him. 

He walked them through the lobby and into his room. He watched Robert’s expression change from boredom to awe at the size of the lobby and not to mention the size of the room. He let him wander around the room when the bellhop had opened the door. John had doubted that Robert had ever seen a room that big before. John watched as Robert’s eyes seem to scan over everything, as if everything in the room from the high ceiling, to the oak chairs to the well manufactured carpets held some sort of code or secret that Robert hadn’t managed to figure out just yet. John looked like he was about so say something when Robert spun around, almost as if he was going to dance.

“Why me? Out of all the people in the world, all the young, attractive people in the world, why have you gone to pick me?” As he spoke, he was biting on the side of his index finger, just along the nail ridge. John wasn’t stupid; he’d studied the kid for a while started from the first time that walked into the auditioning room. He knew that this was a sign that he was nervous. 

John smiled, all of his friends had been wrong about this kid. They had called Robert thick skulled, drab and incredibly stupid. This kid was none of those. He was just one of the many hot young things that come in and out of Hollywood all the time. One of those types of things that attract attention for a while, get mixed up with the wrong types of deals and eventually fade out into the background. And John figured as long as he was going to go around screwing things up anyway, why not have a little fun while he was doing it. 

John approached Robert, who had all but collapsed on the bed. He put his hand on the youngster’s cheek and slowly moved the hand so that he was under his chin and then he forced him to look up. For the first time he saw fear in those brown eyes. “I picked you, as you put it, because you seem so lost. You need to be protected and you need to know, if only for a short time that there is someone out there who cares.” He didn’t care for the way that Robert had scoffed at him.

“You care? Doubtful. I know what you care about, and it isn’t me. Not really. The thing that you care about is what I can do for you.” As he spoke he began to unbutton his shirt.

John quirked an eyebrow. Maybe this kid was smarter than what any of them had realized. He knew that he didn’t have to say what he normally did, but he felt that it was something that needed to be said all the same. “I could snuff you out. Your career could end before it even really began. Is that what you want? If you think that getting work is tough now, try when absolutely no one knows you.” He waited for the look that he always got, that look of realization that they had no choice but to do what he wanted. All he got were those sad brown eyes.

“I really think that we are passed scare tactics don’t you? You already know that I am going to let you fuck me, so I don’t understand why you feel the need to go through this? Do you really think I would give a shit if I don’t end up an actor? Not really. This is Hollywood, there are always jobs.” He unbuttoned his pants but left them on.

For a minute John was shocked into silence. This kid had known what he had wanted and what he was going to do and yet he still agreed to go spend the night with him. He just didn’t understand this one. To him, that was like knowing that there was a lion in the den and walking in banging a spoon on a pot anyway. “Why are you here then?” And that was when Robert’s carefully placed mask cracked. For the first time the façade was gone and the only thing that was left was a scared, 18 year old boy.

Robert shook his head, not caring if his hair got into his eyes. This was it, the dreaded question. Robert licked his lips (in a way that made John envision the way those lips would look wrapped around his cock). “I just wanted someone to love me.”

John shook his head. “I can’t give you that. And the way I feel for you, it isn’t love. It’s only going to be a one-time thing, that’s all it can be. It’s just fucking pure and simple.” John was surprised when for a moment Robert looked like he might leave, then he shrugged his shoulders, straightened his body so that he was standing at his full height and ran a hand through his hair, and then he smiled. Now John was completely confused. He watched as Robert slowly removed the rest of his clothing and laid himself, naked on the bed. John thought that the kid looked gorgeous.

If Robert hadn’t had training as an actor he would have been shaking. His stomach was doing flip-flops and he was pretty sure that if he didn’t continue to take deep breaths he was going to vomit. He repositioned himself so that he was lying on his side, with hand supporting his head. “First off, I said that I want someone to love me, I never said that they had to stay. And second, you are still dressed, that makes me think that you don’t want me and if that’s the case I can always put my clothes back on.” Robert sat up as if he was going to get off the bed and put his clothes back on.

John started undoing his pants. “No, I want this. I want you.”

Robert scooted so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. “And what would you like to do to me?” As he spoke, he licked his lips again. He knew what John was going to have him do first, and that didn’t scare him or bother him. It was just the rules of the game. John stepped out of his pants and stood so that he was right in front of Robert.

“Have you ever sucked a cock before?” His words were vulgar and crude but his tone was gentle. Robert shook his head. “Okay, well it’s easy. All you have to do is open your mouth, cover your teeth and suck.” Robert nodded and opened his mouth. As soon as John’s penis was in his mouth he began to slowly suck on him. He stiffened slightly when he felt a hand at the back of his head, forcing the cock that was in his mouth more towards his throat. He pulled his head back and the hand pushed his head forward. The movements were gentle, it was clear that he wasn’t aiming to hurt the kid at all. Suddenly and without warning, the hand on the back of his head pushed him forward and held him there, he was so far forward that his nose was in the other man’s pubic hair as he came down his throat. 

Robert pulled back so that the cock was no longer in his mouth. “That’s disgusting and not something that I want to do again.”

John chuckled. He had known that kid wasn’t going to like the taste of sperm but that was one of the perks to being the older more experienced one. You could make them do whatever you wanted. “Despite what you said, you did great. Now it’s time for your reward. Get on the bed, on your hands and knees.”

Robert did as he was told, and was a bit surprised when John pushed his knees apart so that his was ass was almost in the air. He gasped when he felt something warm and wet darting in and out of his entrance. It wasn’t long before he was moaning and trying to push back on the skilled tongue that was going to make him come. It got to the point where John had to hold the kids hips still just so that he could prepare him properly.

“Hold still and take a deep breath.” Robert did as he was instructed. He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt John slide inside of him. John wanted giving Robert time to adjust to the unfamiliar feeling. Once he felt the boy relax, he started a slow and steady rhythm. He wanted to make sure that he made as good for Robert as he could, he knew that prior to this Robert had never been with a man, and so he knew that this experience would colour the rest of his male relationships. He had meant to go slow, but Robert was so tight and it felt so good that before long he was pounding the kid. By the time it was done John felt bad for him, as soon as he withdrew from the boys body, he curled in on himself and began to cry.

*End Flashback*

Robert slowly woke up, he couldn’t remember falling asleep but he did remember letting Jude into his room. He remembered that the exhausted man was sleeping in the bed, which was why he had moved to the couch. He could feel arms around him; someone was rocking him and humming a soothing tune in his ear. This made him doubt that he was awake, maybe he was having a dream within a dream, and he snickered at the idea. He could feel that same person smoothing back some of the hair that had stuck to his forehead and that same person was gently wiping the tears that had escaped from his eyes with a handkerchief. 

“It’s alright my darling. Shhhh. You’re alright.” Jude’s soft voice cooed. 

Robert’s eyes opened again and he tilted his head up, so that he could get a look at the other man. “When did you join me on my couch?” He attempted to get out of Jude’s embrace but Jude wasn’t letting him.

“When you started crying. You should try and go back to sleep. You look awful.” Jude continued to gently rock him. He was hoping that the soothing motion would put the man back to sleep. Jude was no stranger to horrific nightmares. As a child, he had suffered night terrors. He knew what they could do to you and he also knew that sometimes having another person there helped.

Robert lay back, getting comfortable. “It was just a dream Jude, I’m almost 50 years old I think I can handle it.”

Jude smiled. “Of course you can my love. But there is no shame in admitting when you need help.”

Robert shrugged, laid his head against Jude’s chest and was back to sleep within minutes.

***  
It was morning; Robert could tell that by the sun that was coming in through the curtains. He was warm and comfortable; he could hear the steady beating of Jude’s heart. He could feel Jude’s hand in his hair as he murmured incoherently in his sleep. He could tell by the gentle movements of Jude’s hand that he probably thought that Robert was one of his children.

“Jude, are you awake?” Robert asked.

“Mmm hmmm. Just wasn’t sure if you were. How are you feeling?” The entire time that he spoke, he was still playing with Robert’s hair. Jude liked how soft it was, how even when he tried to tame it most of the time it would just do whatever it wanted to anyway. He liked the way that Robert never made excuses for the things that he did and he was never really apologetic, except for when he did something really wrong. Jude was so lost in mentally ticking off everything that he loved about Robert that he hadn’t realized when Robert had turned so that he was laying on his stomach, looking into Jude’s eyes.

Robert put both of his hands on either side of Jude’s head and used them to push up so that they were basically the same height. Just like he had on that night with John, he just wanted Jude to stay with him, to love him, even if that love was fake, superficial and temporary. He wanted to know that somewhere someone in the world loved him. He knew that he was about to do was inappropriate and Jude would probably slap him but he had to try. He leaned down and kissed Jude. The kiss was soft and warm; Robert poured every ounce of his tattered soul into that kiss. And what he hadn’t expected was that Jude would kiss him back. 

The kiss ended as abruptly as it started. Jude wiped the tears that were slowly making their way down Robert’s face. “This can’t happen, my love. I’m terribly sorry.”

Robert sat up so that Jude wouldn’t feel trapped. This was not how it was supposed to go, this was not how he was supposed to feel. He nodded his head. “I know. I’m sorry. Maybe…maybe you should go.” Part of Robert wanted to cling to Jude, beg him not to go but the adult/druggie/drunkard part of him wanted to get Jude out of his room so that he could go into the bedroom and make all of the pain from the past melt away. 

Jude nodded as he sat up. “If that is what you want.” He could see something in Robert’s eyes. There was something desperate there; he couldn’t quite make out what it was. All he knew was that Robert was terrified. As he got off the couch and got his shoes back on he gave Robert one final glance. “You know where I am if you need me.” 

Robert nodded. “You can’t fix everyone Jude.”

Jude nodded to say that he understood and then walked out the door. As soon as the door was closed and locked Robert sat on the couch, hand under his chin as he tried to think of what to do next. It was possible that could go back to sleep, ignore the itch for a fix that he had and have this one little win. He shook his head; of course he wasn’t going to do that.

He walked over to his bedroom, opened the nightstand drawer and stared at the needle that was lying there. Inside was the liquid that held all of his answers. Just one quick little jab and everything would melt away; he would be safely tucked away where no one could hurt him. 

He unlooped his belt from his pants and used that to tie around his upper arm. One he patted the vein so that it stuck out he drove the needle home, sighed and collapsed on the bed. He knew that if Jude found out he would be disappointed, his wife would divorce him and Guy would probably fire him. 

As he lay there waiting for the feeling of sickness to go away he felt tears fall from his eyes. When he was younger he thought he knew how the world worked and what he wanted to do and how he fit in. Now, he wasn’t sure. As he unbuckled the belt from his arm and tossed it to the ground he knew that this wasn’t how life was supposed to be, he sighed as he realized that nothing was ever easy and that he could never quit.

The End.


End file.
